Clearing Trauma, Old Programming and Timeloops

by Julianne Kulosa

Along the spiritual path of Awakening, you are asked to allow uncomfortable painful emotions, beliefs, thoughts and memories to come into your consciousness.  This is a part of the healing journey, with many ways to accomplish this task.  Furthermore, this path is about authenticity and being awake and aware, choosing your interpretations and responses about reality as opposed to operating from those automatic viewpoints and reactions.  Clearing out the old makes way for more Light to come into the body.  You may feel like you’ve been doing this for so long – enough already!  You might have moments us deep connection, bliss, love, peace or joy, only to find yourself reacting to your life in an automatic way, with impatience, frustration, grief, anxiety or anger. 
 
I’ve spent so many years trying to be “ultra” self-aware, noticing when I’d rather escape than confront my feelings (and then choosing to do so!), or when I react to a situation or loved one in a defensive or offensive way.  Then these reactions or automatic behaviors would give me more reason to say, “See, you’re not there yet.  You’re not doing it right or good enough.”
 
Boy, do we take this life so dang seriously!  Spirituality is often taken as serious business, set with rules and regulations just like at work, in religion or in proper social etiquette.  Give me some room to breathe please!   We all want freedom.  Freedom to be spontaneously ourselves, doing the best we can, making mistakes along the way, knowing that we are a contribution to this planet and can have fun all along our journey here.
 
Recently I’ve noticed how, in the journey to let all that stuff come up, to follow a path of love and light, it’s easy to make mountains out of molehills.  Simplicity is the call, yet we like to make things quite complicated, going on a search for how deeply our thoughts, feelings or actions, our programming, stories and trauma affect our day-to-day experience. 
 
For me, the call now is to lighten up even more.  I know what I’m committed to, and I see myself, everyday, veering from that commitment.  Then I’ll want to self-analyze, which can often bring me more deeply into that programming that is “in the way” of my commitment.  Why?  Because I’m still coming into my power, that power within that is intimately connected with everything.  Humility isn’t about saying, “Oh, little old me, I can’t possibility do or be that.  I don’t deserve it.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t want to be egotistical.”  Humility is admitting that yes, the separate you that you think you are (aka the ego) is powerless, but inside you is the power of the Divine, of the One that you are always connected to.  It’s a willingness to give up that separation and merge with a power greater than just little old separate you.  You know, the one that thinks they need to do whatever it takes to make it happen, to work hard and be in control at all times.
 
So in the name of clearing, it’s easy to “work hard”, to go on a harangue about those things that come up that have us continue habits we know no longer support us or reactions that are based in fear, lack and separation.  Don’t get me wrong, it can be very fun, enlightening and entertaining to do so, the best choice in the moment, and it’s okay when you choose to!  It can remind you and point you back to that trajectory of where you want to go.
 
Once you’ve shined the light on those things that have been running you, had the willingness to bring unconditional love to those things, feelings, thoughts and memories that have you feel alone, treated unjustly, traumatized, angry, insignificant, not enough, broken or weak, you can send them back into the Light of Source where they belong, into wholeness and peace.
 
So you’ve done that, and yet there’s more, more reactions, more programming of how reality is even though you know better, more automatic responses and habits.  Why are they still there?  Am I doing it wrong?  I’d better work harder!
 
You don’t need to keep going there, thinking, “Oh gosh, I have so much more to do, to confront, to clear, to be aware of, to grow…I’m not “there” yet.” That just is keeping you in a loop of exactly what you’re wanting to “clear” – those fears that keep you separated from your divine spark inside, the one that is free to be empowered and enjoy the ride. 
 
Here’s the thing: you are a creator, totally empowered.  You are a Master who came here in this time to be a part of creating New Earth.  Therefore, you’ve got what it takes, baby!  You’ve got this, whether you believe it or not.  You’re doing it exactly as you need to, and it’s all unfolding just right.
 
I noticed the other day a friend talking about his challenges around making money and having financial abundance.   He went on about his focus of thought, where his attention was and how he was interpreting reality, his family dynamics and money conversation within his family, etc.  It was funny, because he talked like those things were “running” him in his subconscious, yet he was clearly actually consciously aware of it.  I saw how I do that too, think that things are running me unconsciously even as I’m very aware of them!
 
This is all wonderful stuff, to bring things into your awareness.  Yet I realized there comes a point when it’s time to let it go.  Yeah, yeah, there it is again, and I don’t need to go there!  In the past, I would have almost said that blasphemy – if it is presenting in your reality, you need to go there.  But do you?  And if so, how?
 
I’ve taken on a simple practice that you might want to try.  If you find yourself going on a harangue about something, you could just Lighten Up!  You can use that God-given power of yours, the one that isn’t trying to fix anything or obliterate the “bad” from your reality, but the one that is unconditionally loving and is choosing what reality they are living in. 
 
It’s simple:
You notice that thought, interpretation of what’s happening, and say, “Thank you, but no.”
 
That’s it, “Thank you, but no.” You’re not pushing down or escaping from the thought or feeling that has arisen – you’ve already just noticed it with a commitment to loving whatever arises, even when it doesn't feel good.  It’s not a heart-breaking rejection or emotionally charged judgment.  It’s choosing, like when the waiter asks, “Would you like dessert?” and you respond, “Thank you, but no.” (Sure you could go on a run with that one, as you might notice the idea of dessert sounds yummy, and in come the thoughts about your diet, health, ideal weight, social standards of beauty, your values around eating and your commitment….but in that restaurant in that moment, you are clear about what you want and don’t want, and you simply say to the waiter, “Thank you, but no.”) 
 
Recently, I noticed I felt anxious in my tummy, that solar plexus area.  I went there, realizing it was because I was about to teach a cardio kickboxing class, something I hadn’t done in over a decade.  Will I be good enough? Will they like it, me, the workout, the music?  Will they have fun and enjoy it?  Will it be too easy, too hard, to fast, to slow? I noticed I do that with another type of workout I teach, Nia Technique.  I noticed that feeling of not good enough, of never enough, in my teaching, and then my thoughts starting to trickle out into other aspects of me and my life, like how my clothing is never quite right, cute enough, fit just right, etc.

I saw how there it was yet again: never good enough, I’m not enough, that feeling of separation and not enough. That deepest darkest core wound, “I’m not enough.” Here’s the thing: that awareness alone, something I’ve been delving into for a long time, wasn’t actually serving to alleviate that anxiety, to align me with a greater Truth. 
 
So, instead of my usual, “You need to go there, with loving attention. This wants your loving attention,” I said, “Thank you, but no.”  I like to add a little wave with my right hand near my head (real or imaginary), waving that out and away, back to the Light of Source.  You can do this for anything – when you notice even deeper programming, trauma, or timeloops.
 
What happened next was so natural and easy.  Present, here and now, space opened up.  I thought and wrote spontaneously, (and I quote from my journal), “I choose unity.  Thank you for pointing out that I still have feelings of scarcity and separation, and no, I don’t need that anymore. I choose connection. So when I go out into the world, through teaching, writing or whatever, I CONNECT with others, I share authentically my experience and self-expression, knowing our hearts touch because we are all connected. I choose to unify and merge with Mother Earth and Source God, the Divine in me, One with All.  I am safe to allow this connection.  In my trust and safety, I allow others to confront their fear and separation, and to open their hearts to connecting and merging.  Yes!  All as an expression of the One Divine Source Love!”
 
Gratitude washed over me, in so many specific ways, and the goal of teaching became to have FUN!  And then I noticed: that anxiety in my solar plexus was completely gone.
 
Here’s what I want you to get: Yes, that self-awareness was there, that ability to notice thoughts and feelings, but the shift in my perspective didn’t come from working hard to put all those high vibe practices and perspectives into place.  Thank you to those thoughts and feelings for coming up of course, a perfect part of the process as they release out, returning to the Light. My shift came from the willingness to stand in my power and make the simple command: “Thank you, but no.”  Our souls already know the way, we just need to admit it can be easier than we think and relax a little.
 
Photo by Stephen Leonardi on Unsplash

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