by Julianne Kulosa
Depression is one of the most common experiences in spiritual awakening, yet has many interpretations or definitions. It’s a catch-all phrase, “depression”. What does it mean exactly?
It’s different than grief, which is also a part of your process. Depression tends to include low self-esteem and feelings of guilt, powerlessness and helplessness.
Things to Consider:
1. You are Confronting Your Deepest Core Wounds and Awakening
You chose to become more conscious and aware, and with that comes all the patterns, beliefs, trauma and pain that you previously more easily suppressed. Depression can come in waves, without apparent reason, as things bubble up.
A shift in perspective can give you great relief. Instead of thinking something is wrong with you, that you are broken or not enough, or that these old patterns or reactions to life should already be gone, you can look at each unexpected feeling, thought or reaction as another part of you that is finally coming up to your awareness to be seen. Those hidden away dark parts of you are saying, “Thank you! I’m ready to be seen and loved and released back to Source, into Oneness, into the Light!”
Those very thoughts that often have you feel depressed or intensify your depression are actually the core wounds, the buried, hurt, scared and alone parts of yourself that need to come up to be released with your loving attention.
When such fears or negative self-talk arises, don’t believe everything you think!
The ancient Essenes noticed 2500 years ago that our experiences, internally and externally are neutral. They don’t become good or bad until we judge those experiences, until we perceive those experiences through the lens our past experiences and our beliefs. So know that just because you believe something, it doesn’t make it true. It is your free will choice to decide what’s true for you in any moment, or not.
It is so important to practice being gentle with yourself at these times, for if you fight or judge what you are feeling, it only serves to have that part of yourself want to retreat back into the darkness.
I’m adding in this video because it is important to know that you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. This is the human condition, regardless of what others may be hiding from your view (or unaware of inside themselves). Your process is about waking up from the illusion of the ego.
Warning: this video is a re-enactment of the ego and is pretty intense. Know that all those thoughts that seem so true are coming into your awareness to give you freedom from them running your life on automatic.
2. Powerful Feelings of Doubt
As you are adjusting to your higher self and true nature, there can be a feeling of great doubt. Part of you knows all is well, connected to a bigger picture and higher truth, yet a powerful doubt is also present, that doubt in yourself and what you are experiencing.
Doubt, spiraling downward into helplessness, self-loathing, guilt and meaninglessness, can feel very out of control. This is the time to be extremely gentle with yourself. Again, remember you are not alone, and many others are going through and have gone through what you are experiencing.
Your doubt can seem much more real and truthful than your “positive” attitudes. Acknowledge that you feel the way you do and are having the experience you are having. Giving yourself space to authentically have those waves of doubt move through, open your heart into the Truth of reality, and then choose that reality more powerfully.
3. A Desire to Isolate Yourself
Solitude is an important aspect of your spiritual awakening. You need time with yourself to connect into your true nature. As your sensitivity raises, you also need space to center, ground and integrate. There is no right or wrong amount of time that you’ll feel a need for solitude, be it hours, days, months or years.
However, this can be sometimes leave you feeling lonely and separate, with a sense of longing for connection with others.
In your solitude, you are connecting. You are remembering and connecting to your true divine nature and your higher self. You are connecting to Source, to the Earth, to your guides, angels and Star Family. At some point, even feeling a connection to nature or divine guides may drop out. This is because you are called to connect to divine YOU within, not because you are alone. The path of awakening truly is about loving yourself.
When you feel alone, you can call upon guides and angels to surround you more closely. You can hold crystals and connect with them for support. You can read others experiences to know you are not alone.
You are never alone. This is the truth.
The collective, meaning the major percentage of people on the planet right now, are not interested in “awakening” and are solidly living in the old paradigm. This split can feel huge and separating. If you can, connect with others such as in group meditations in person, or even on-line.
Solitude is a beautiful and necessary thing, having you get to know yourself in all your many aspects with loving compassion. As you do, you will have a felt experience that you are truly connected to everyone and everything, able to open to that unity, merging and connection more and more.
In the meantime, choose to do things you enjoy. Get some connection with others in a way that lifts you up, be it with friends, in a class, Meetup, church, dog park, or at the grocery store. Find anything that brings you joy in the moment, for as much as you are waking up from the illusion, this planet, is an amazing and fun place to live, and is meant to be a playground for your enjoyment as you take care of it and yourself!
4. Feeling the Collective
Every human is feeling the shift occurring, and the energies that support this shift. Every human is doing their job perfectly, be it the first wave, the second wave (those recently awakening to a greater truth about reality), or the third wave of those grounding the process by holding the density of 3rd dimensional consciousness so that we may more gracefully embody light in the physical.
Simply acknowledging that you are feeling the global collective consciousness can ease your personal challenges. It gives space for you to lighten up on yourself, the stories you tell yourself about why you feel the way you do, or that you should be feeling differently. It is not just you, and you are a compassionate sensitive soul. Give yourself space to take care of yourself and to feel into your ability to sense the collective and then step away from it. The collective viewpoint right now is deep in density, in fear, separation and anger. Knowing this, you can choose to not play in that energy. You always have choice.
Here, in the awareness of the collective, is a great opportunity for relief. Not only can you acknowledge your great intuitive ability and connection to others, you can acknowledge that because of that connection, all that you do, all the inner work, effects the collective. You are being of great contribution to the planet by dealing with your personal stuff. Your willingness to be aware of and release your own inner wounds does this for all people everywhere, making their journeys easier. Just as if you want a world of peace, you be the peace inside of you. Thank you!
5. Feeling Intense Energy Surges
The energy and light assisting you is random and unpredictable. One moment you’re feeling really high, meaning spiritually. You feel that union and connection, sometimes so much that tears flow freely from such love in your heart. The next moment you feel depressed and very low. You’ve just got to know, have faith, that this will pass.
Will it always be like this? No. But there is no need to try to rush the process or think you should be more centered in a peaceful state at all times. Trust your process of awakening. Take care of yourself along the way, doing whatever you can to support where you are in any moment. Trying to make your depression go away because you don’t think you should feel that way isn’t going to assist you. Life is supporting you always. There is a divine plan. This is when trust and faith will assist you most, that this too shall pass and it is an important part of your spiritual awakening, even if you don’t like it or understand it.
It’s time to get used to these random changes in your feelings and prepare for these shifts. Instead of looking for the “why” am I feeling this way, which can lead to the rabbit hole of what’s wrong with you and your life, each time that “depressed” feeling arises, you can trust that it’s just energy you are experiencing. You get to choose how to use that energy, moment by moment. Will it propel you up into more awakening or down into deeper density?
What is there to do about it? Energy is creative, so you might want to use that energy to do something that expresses your creativity. Draw, paint, dance, sing, cook, garden, write a poem, play an instrument. Try something new. Creativity isn’t just in the “art” arena – it is in business, in the sciences, in the day-to-day organization and new solutions you find. Set your intention in the morning: what are you creating today?
Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to uplift you, even if it’s “socially unacceptable”, be it sleep, rest, shorter work hours or a day off, bathe, take a walk, be in nature, meditate, drink more water, or eat cleaner food.
6. Feeling Empty: The Eternal Now Moment and the Void
You asked for it: living in your heart, committed to the path of awakening and to pure divine Love, brings in a feeling of emptiness. It can feel blissful, or stressful, or like depression. Some would say that depression is depressed creativity. This can be challenging when your creative slate feels blank. Life can feel pointless, with no direction, and with little passion, enthusiasm or drive. We are so used to being driven, busy and productive.
That feeling of emptiness is actually a neutral energy of pure potential, pure creativity. It holds all possibilities in this moment. Zero point. Is it no wonder it feels empty? Could you really handle experiencing all dimensions, insights, timelines, and knowledge all at once? Our awakening isn’t in one big burst. We integrate more light and love at a pace our bodies can handle. And yes, sometimes it can just feel empty and meaningless.
Know you are tapping into pure love and light, all and nothing. Peace. There is a peace available here, and that depression has the potential to shift into peacefulness. It is only your interpretation and judgment of what you are experiencing that says otherwise, as you also confront those fears and doubts of your ego and core wounds.
7. You are Shifting, and Thus is Who You Think You Are and What You are Doing With Your Life
As your true divine self comes to the forefront, you know you are here for a reason, a mission, yet may have no idea what that is. Having a meaning, a purpose in life, is so important, and the uncertainty can be extremely challenging. Waking up into New You can be scary and fearful, as anything new and mysterious often is.
Without the “what’s next” in sight, letting go of the outdated, the familiar, the comfortable, can be painful. It’s similar to #4, in that feeling of meaninglessness.
What’s asked of you is to have faith. Trust that as you open to releasing the security of who you thought you were, you are totally supported and taken care of by life. It’s okay that you’re no longer interested in some things, that your path is at a standstill, or that those things you were attached to, be it people, career, interests, might abruptly fall away. You are not your interests, your hobbies, your career or knowledge base, your personality or your past. You certainly are not your physical possessions or your money in the bank.
Ask for support and clarity, from your higher self, your heart, Source, your divine support like your angels and Galactic Family. Your next steps will come, and with greater ease when you trust that this cycle of emptying out is an important part of your path. Again, have faith: New Earth, New You. You are so loved and supported, always! Take this time to listen. Then listen more. Let guidance take as much time as it needs to, and find anyway possible to enjoy your life right now.
8. Dark Night of the Soul and Suicidal Thoughts
Spiritual crisis is a normal part of the spiritual awakening process. It can show up in different and scary ways. This includes suicidal thoughts, and in these moments it’s imperative to find support and know you are not alone.
There may seem no end in sight to the confronting thoughts and feelings that are coming up. Your deepest core wounds arise, traumatic experiences that equate to feeling you are not enough, don’t belong, aren’t important, are bad, broken, alone and separate from everything. This is the illusion you are waking up from, as challenging as it is to experience those thoughts and feelings so strongly. You ARE waking up! The light is coming, and to be able to perceive and accept the light, all of the darkest night, fear, needs to come to your consciousness – to have the light inside of you shined upon it.
Waking up also can be likened to death. You are dying from the personality, the you that says you ARE your personality, and can literally feel like dying. It can also literally feel like going through hell.
The most important thing is to find support.
You are not alone and you are not crazy. You can search the web about spiritual crisis or dark night of the soul. Reach out to loved ones and friends. Pray. Call on your guides and angels. Call a crisis hotline. There is so much support out there, and while you might feel at odds with the traditional psychological model of support, being labeled with various psychological disorders, you might even find support from that perspective too. Your soul knows the way and the universe is here to completely support your process. Be open to however that relief and support shows up for you.
Make a Game Plan
These waves of energy, sometimes feeling like depression, will come again. And that’s okay! If you know this, you can have a plan in place that supports your process. What is happening to you is your process of going from the darkness into the light, or conversely, you could think of it as shining light into the darkness.
Take note of what has you feel centered, grounded, calm, at ease, peaceful and happy. Write it down! This is easiest notice when you are feeling in those states of consciousness, so also reach out for reminders through others, such as loved ones, books, and the web.
There is nothing too small or insignificant that could shift your experience in any moment. A song, a good deed for someone else, a bath, a nap, fresh air and nature, smelling a flower, drinking more water, a massage, a light-hearted video or movie (laughter!), breathing (yes, just noticing your breathing!), a meditation app for your phone, an act of kindness toward another, smiling (just try curling your lips up!), cooking, a phone call, painting or drawing, or simple completed tasks like the laundry.
Take note of any practices you have that you know shift your experience. This could be exercise, be it outdoors, at the gym or in a group class. Note any simple spiritual practices you’ve done that assist you quickly, be it mindfulness meditation, heart-centered practices, group gatherings, or re-framing situations such as asking what would be the most loving positive way to see the situation.
In terms of re-framing, it can be really helpful to look at yourself as if you were looking at a friend, to disengage from your personal experience. If your friend or child, were thinking this way, feeling this way, acting this way, what would you say to them? How would you support them? How would you re-frame their experience in a way that uplifts them, empowers them, or gives them hope and faith?
Here is a wonderful little booklet by Sri Ram Kaa and Kira Raa on a 7-day spiritual cleanse of forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from the heart, knowing that others, and YOU, are always doing the best that they and you can given your state of consciousness at any given time.
Forgiveness: A Self-Guided Journey of Freedom
You are so divine, so amazing and so brave to be here at this time on Earth! Please take heart that this, too, shall pass, all waves and cycles, spiraling upwards into higher light and vibration more and more. Thank you for your contribution to the planet, for coming here on a very important, wonderful yet challenging mission at this unprecedented time. You deserve to enjoy your life, even during these challenges!
Photo by Will Turner on Unsplash
It's not just you, my beloved. The world is transforming and we're all in this together. You are a master and expert in your unique experiences and contribution to the world. Together we'll navigate through these challenging yet oh so juicy and magical times.